Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Hmmmmm

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup