If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
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“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.