If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
You Might Also Like
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.