If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
*weighs self after shaving
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
i feel so bad i refunded him
