if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
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Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do