If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target