If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
favorite tropes as memes
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
