If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You Might Also Like
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.