If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok