If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
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me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx