If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster