If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.