If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
You Might Also Like
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Jail
just got my engagement photos
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Waiting for the Charmin
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200