If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
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What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I’m ready for Halloween this year
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The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
i choose….tongue
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“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue