Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New comic up. “Ransom”

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…