If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
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We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
so i’m at the stock market right
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Generation gap…
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”