Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Not recommended for beginners.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.