If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
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If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
taking June’s advice to heart
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.