If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
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No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?