Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

“We ride at dawn”

Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

🤣🤣

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

Dear Lord..

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.