If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Called it
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.