If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
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I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Geez man, take it easy.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.