If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
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Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?