Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Super Hand Dog Face

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

smh

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

got so much cardio in today

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.