If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
You wish you had this many chins.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan