If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook


me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what


My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.


“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”


GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”


Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.


Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.


Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF


Me: [from table] gar?on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order


JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal