@IGotsSmarts

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

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@sug_knight

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what

@Discourt

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

@TomItUp

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

@KyleDodsonFunny

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

@delusions_of

Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.

@StymieBrewer

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

@RodLacroix

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

@LeBearGirdle

Me: [from table] gar?on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

@daemonic3

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal