If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

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Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.


I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.


Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.


If you’re assigned green beans for thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

Just saying


Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?


Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.


[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”


I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!