If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
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1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
The French word for sex is croissant.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.