If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
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Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Sorry not sorry.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
me watching my own Instagram story
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?