Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.