Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”