If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
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“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
look scared
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
How many? 🤔
Put this video in the Louvre
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.