Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

Rare photo of two submarines racing

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows