If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
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Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Body by sandwich.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding