If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.