If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
respect
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.