Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.