Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Boating season is upon us.

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.