If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Cndnsd Mlk
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
We all have our pet causes.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
