if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
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I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My purse is deeper than some people.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’M CRYINGGG
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only