If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
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Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
applying for a new job
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable