‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
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*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
good work, everybody
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Thursday Thought.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.