‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
You Might Also Like
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk