If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
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Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Anime is real
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand