If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Miscakes
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.