@CrockettForReal

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

You Might Also Like

@PhilJamesson

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

@MyNameIsArchaic

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

@xysist

Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam’s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.

@cheeky__gal

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

@cjcapbt

I’m just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .

@Jake_Vig

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

@notalogin

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

@ramblinma

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…