If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
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How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?