@CrockettForReal

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

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@jlock17

I FEEL SO ALIVE MCDONALD’S IS GIVING AWAY FREE COFFEE I PASSED 20 MCDONALD’S TODAY DO THE MATH TOO LATE I DID THE MATH SLEEP IS FOR MORTALS

@MommaUnfiltered

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

@QwertyJones3

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

@isabelzawtun

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

@markydoodoo

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

@DrakeGatsby

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

@UnFitz

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

@LostCatDog

My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no

@dave_cactus

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?