If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
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My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Not😆🤣
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9