If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
