If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Its true…
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.