If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.