If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one