If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something