If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
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Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
much to think about
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐