If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
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When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.