Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Nothing to do, you say?

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Fight

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

Happy Star Wars day!

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.