If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
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every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
channeling her this year
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U