Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

That’s classic.

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.