If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
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From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My beach vacation Google searches
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.