If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
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[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
🙄😏😂🤣
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.