If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
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*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?