If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted