Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.