If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
You deplete me
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy