Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

B

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.