If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
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I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
🤣🤣🤣
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING