Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.