If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
this chia pet tastes awful
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.