Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

こいつ天才

When the stylist spins you back around

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.