If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Bloody internet 😳
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or