Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.