“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
You Might Also Like
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Cake!!
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.