If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
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[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Yup.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I’m already scared
They’re the worst 😩
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!