If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
new record!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*